white men.. superiority idiots & Native Americans

Today the family spent a fabulous afternoon at the bookstore. I always go to Self Help, Psychology, Religion & New Age. Dave heads straight to History & always comes home with something that blows all my topics away, summing it up concisely! Tonight he bought Indian Spirits..beautiful book I never would have found & he read this to me..blowing my mind!

Their (white man’s) wise ones said we might have their religion, but when we tried to understand it we found that there were too many kinds of religion among white men for us to understand, and that scarcely any two white men agreed which was the right one to learn. This bothered us a good deal until we saw that the white man did not take his religion any more seriously than he did his laws, and that he kept both of them just behind him, like helpers, to use when they might do him good in dealings with strangers. These were not our ways. We kept the laws we made and lived our religion. We have never been able to understand the white man, who fools nobody but himself.

Plenty Coups

The ground on which we stand is sacred ground. It is the dust and blood of our ancestors. Plenty Coups, Absaroke

POIGNANT! That’s all! I’ve got nothing.

Babies..always to me!

Can’t quiet the mind, and my babies are on my mind. Blogging is a weird sort of diary, just ignore me! Contemplating my oldest baby, Oh my goodness. He is the ultimate boy scout. This boy is amazing! So sensitive to the feeling of others..to a fault. I use to think I was a good Mom… No!.. he was just born a good easy kid. Thank God because I had him when I was 22 unmarried and a mess. He just wants to do the right thing. He looks to help everyone. That’s his m.o. He is also a love bug. Looking for cuddles in quiet discreet moments when others are out of the way. Never looks for the spotlight…ever! Baffles me! He is an inquisitive & amazingly bright boy. I never understood when he was 5 years old, and would be immersed in a 2 hour program on the discovery channel. Clearly these genes come from hubby’s side. This boy has my back though & yours. If there’s a hardship or problem, he is completely empathetic and there to help. He takes pride in this. I love that!

Oh my goodness, my girl. The sunshine in human form. Always looking to entertain. She loves people. She is more similar to me than anyone. I see me as a girl through her.. She adores her daddy, just like me! Its ingrained intuitively…she adores him. She loves animals & naively trusts that everything is good because she is good. She’s dramatic and quirky. She’s a natural actress, but she’s not bold enough to see it. She’s a humble LION.

My Jacky, obviously my baby. The emotional, manipulator. Growing up faster because he has older siblings. I wonder what he would be without their influence. But his siblings are his mentors…Luke & Syd have molded him as much as Dave & I, or more. This boy cries at the drop of a hat. SOO emotional, yet so sweet & bitter…  bitter sweet! He loves intensely! and expresses his grievances intensely! Mood swings! He is a complete mama’s boy. I worry about that as much as I enjoy it. He’s also brilliant & intense and wonderful.. Warmest hugs, and the sweetest puppy dog eyes that I’ve ever seen.

Our children are the ultimate blessing! Could not imagine life without these amazing little people!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D6HQ5mpJcs

Life goes on..la la la la life goes on.

 

Funny how we get so absorbed in our little way. For me, it’s normal to get consumed in ideas, things, people to the point of obsession. I suppose this stems from childhood. Bla.. I know..boring! But wow these patterns follow us, often subconsciously. Then the traits that kept us safe become unnecessary burdens. I’ve done this dance a few times & I’m dancing again. The current unnecessary dance is obsession. I get so fixated on life’s themes and details that I’m paralyzed in thought & empty longing feeling. I hate acknowledging this annoying female side of me.. Men don’t seem to torture themselves this way. I guess I don’t know if I even share this with  women, because they keep it safely locked up. I am scared to want because then I’m vulnerable to failure, even though I’m not putting anything out there so far…just the thought of embracing dreams & goals.. Selfish…scares the hell out of me.. oldest child trait. I see my own son shrink when it’s incinuated he’s being selfish.. don’t want to pass that on. At all! I want to come to a point where I can write all my flaws here, in public..and not care, because it doesn’t matter! I want to write all my dreams and not be concerned wether people see failure or success. I just want to be so immersed in truth that it matters nothing what others think. I guess that could seem selfish. I just need to get over people and get to the heart of things. I’ve put people ahead of everything my whole life. Always waiting for their response & reaction before deciding what’s right.. Senseless. IThere’s no honesty or vulnerability in that. Its a crutch.Though I Love people its time to grow up a little more.. Baby steps, tiny fricken baby steps!

boredom = discombobulated

Lately, I’ve been kinda bored. When I’m bored I’m ugly & resistant..argue with everything. Very childish. I’ve been trying to embrace a book recommended to me about vulnerability.. not going so well. Reading 1 page at a time…analyzing & resisting every bit of wisdom. I don’t want to be vulnerable, it’s safer here…being negative. I can loathe you because of the way you chew your food..literally. some eating habits are disturbing to me..to the point of exploding inside. But to focus on this & many other irritations is a safe excuse of a bubble. After all I’m really annoying too.But, focusing on the irritating behaviors of others is a lot safer..for me! Yet, it keeps me caged & distracted from personal growth and change. Contemplating what I’m avoiding in my boredom and day to day life. What do I really want out of this life and how to want “it” ..enough to change? That question is the extent of my vulnerability for today. I’m a wimp!

For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today we’re the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer is ” No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. – Steve Jobbs

matriarchs, women & girls

Recently, I’ve witnessed through a few friends the loss of a woman in the family: grandma’s, moms, sisters. I think of the loss of my grandma, the family matriarch. It’s been years now, but our family was changed forever. Her memory lives on soo strong. I can feel her hugs & I always thought as a child that they were to long, but now I’d give anything to feel that genuine love…a wise deep love beyond my understanding. Her legacy is deeply rooted in the depths of my soul. I wonder if only the wisest woman understands how to leave that imprint. She got it.. She knew love, she understood connection. She held her family maternally, like only a wise spiritual woman knows how to do. I honor her life and her passing and all she left behind as a beautiful example of pure love. Thank you Fern Anderson! You were a good and faithful servant to God and your family.

Death of A Matriarch
by Tegram
When the matriarch of a family dies,
It is a difficult feeling to describe,
The death heralds the end of an era,
The gradual disappearance of a Legacy,
Every family member becomes paralyzed
by the vacancy,
The Leader and Director of the familys’
hopes and dreams has gone to rest,
Declaring, “It is time for everyone to live
up to their personal best,”
A reliable figure of normalcy and tradition
has exited gracefully,
Leaving behind the formula to living
life decently…..

gramgram & grandpa holding newborn Luke.

marriage

David Hinderer..You’re my perfect counterpart in this life. Love you

Rosemont Reflections

I have to say, marriage is fabulously annoying. I love my hubby, but living with a man is CRAZY.. I wouldn’t replace with a woman…annoying! Way annoying! So, lovin my man, despite the craziness! Perfect hubby for me.Lucky to have a best man friend forever. We get each other…you have to in order to survive the craziness. Pretty sure he’s the one man who can keep up with my passionate nature.. and he’s just as passionate. We can get into a heated dispute then fall asleep and wake up laughing, saying what was that about, who cares! Were laid back hotheads. lol. Thank God we found each other because both of us are capable of being really harsh, yet we don’t take each other to serious. We crack ourselves up 24-7, unless were in a heated dispute, which is daily. Im just grateful to experience the craziness with him..Were totally…

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marriage

I have to say, marriage is fabulously annoying. I love my hubby, but living with a man is CRAZY.. I wouldn’t replace with a woman…annoying! Way annoying! So, lovin my man, despite the craziness! Perfect hubby for me.Lucky to have a best man friend forever. We get each other…you have to in order to survive the craziness. Pretty sure he’s the one man who can keep up with my passionate nature.. and he’s just as passionate. We can get into a heated dispute then fall asleep and wake up laughing, saying what was that about, who cares! Were laid back hotheads. lol. Thank God we found each other because both of us are capable of being really harsh, yet we don’t take each other to serious. We crack ourselves up 24-7, unless were in a heated dispute, which is daily. Im just grateful to experience the craziness with him..Were totally opposite, but very much the same. This makes life interesting, and just comfortable enough. He is my rock and soft place. So lucky he chose me! me & D“Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in a wife” Schubert..

Kids play old school Simon

So the kids played the old school game Simon tonight. You have to copy what the machine does. I suck! It was fun to watch them with one device that they had to share..imagine that, waiting for your turn. They enjoyed it though, so they took turns. This old school game of focus, concentration, and in our case fierce competition was a hit. It actually hurts to focus like this now in our multitasking world. Very fun to observe. simon2

I fail every time I think Im right!

Last night I teased everyone claiming to be, “crazy busy” Well, ..Karma, serves up a piece of pie tonight. After working, (I call it first shift) I come home, not to the calm resting place they say home is supposed to be.. You know, the soft place to fall. That’s what Dr. Phil says at least.

I come home to second shift. Actually, no one was here. Dave was finishing taekwondo with the kids. Why should I even complain, right? There’s single moms out there. Hubby is taking care of things. Awesome! But I arrive to the quiet environment of, You’re never done and never going to be even average. I unloaded the groceries and wanted to open some heavy alcoholic beverage too. But why, Im alone! All I have to do is get dinner ready, clean up a crapload of crap, and homework, showers, animals..I should be able to do this cheerfully. I can’t tonight, and many nights!

Right away I see the dog got in the trash, AGAIN! He is so sly and guilty about it. Wimp..and his leaving the licked clean container in his bed reminds me that I served the kids frozen pot pie out of desperate laziness last night.

Kids get home a half hour later and launch into enthusiasm about their day. Overwhelming! I just got over the guilt of last nights pot pies and now Im not interested in fabulous behavior. Syd is literally reading her history book, with excitement. Jack, just 6, gets up to the shower, Luke is doing homework and excited about it. I muster everything to get to work on preparing tacos tonight because at least I’m cutting up some vegetables.  Then I go to Dave, as if he owes me now.(I did cut produce up!) and say I fixed dinner, I want to be alone! You should go eat with the kids

I’m not knocking my family, Its ME! I have the perfect family for me, but for God sakes I just want to be alone. I know, its selfish. All was well, but not with me! I should be content. But I am yearning for more..not really from my family at all! But engaging the kids for the purpose of doing worksheets, reading ridiculous kid books and eating around the family table leaves me bored tonight. So I have to push everyone through and fake that this mediocre crap is necessary and even good because, I am Mom. I feel crazy lonely in this busyness. So now I sit alone, guilty of blogging while my family eats the dinner I made..manipulatively! But, I do feel better and I think everyone will survive. Karma sucks, whenever I judge it comes back, like tonight. I am a simple human and kinda pitiful tonight and many other nights.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-SXWLGR3Zk

How often do people tell you, Its just been crazy busy!

How often do you get that response when you ask someone how they are? Oh..Its just crazy busy. I often think of this response as a substitute for saying, I don’t really have anything to say..please don’t engage me to much!  & if you must then stay in the comfort zones; work, kids, school, complaining about housework..or most boring of all.. the weather. Below, 2 links. First, wisdom. Second, ruthlessly teasing busy moms.

I love this nugget below. Amazing thoughts on, I’m just crazy busy mentality. Are you busy & if you are Why did you choose that for yourself?

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/?smid=fb-share&_r=0

This below just busts me up every time.. Men do this part of life better..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwPg2oarG_c