Last night I teased everyone claiming to be, “crazy busy” Well, ..Karma, serves up a piece of pie tonight. After working, (I call it first shift) I come home, not to the calm resting place they say home is supposed to be.. You know, the soft place to fall. That’s what Dr. Phil says at least.

I come home to second shift. Actually, no one was here. Dave was finishing taekwondo with the kids. Why should I even complain, right? There’s single moms out there. Hubby is taking care of things. Awesome! But I arrive to the quiet environment of, You’re never done and never going to be even average. I unloaded the groceries and wanted to open some heavy alcoholic beverage too. But why, Im alone! All I have to do is get dinner ready, clean up a crapload of crap, and homework, showers, animals..I should be able to do this cheerfully. I can’t tonight, and many nights!

Right away I see the dog got in the trash, AGAIN! He is so sly and guilty about it. Wimp..and his leaving the licked clean container in his bed reminds me that I served the kids frozen pot pie out of desperate laziness last night.

Kids get home a half hour later and launch into enthusiasm about their day. Overwhelming! I just got over the guilt of last nights pot pies and now Im not interested in fabulous behavior. Syd is literally reading her history book, with excitement. Jack, just 6, gets up to the shower, Luke is doing homework and excited about it. I muster everything to get to work on preparing tacos tonight because at least I’m cutting up some vegetables.  Then I go to Dave, as if he owes me now.(I did cut produce up!) and say I fixed dinner, I want to be alone! You should go eat with the kids

I’m not knocking my family, Its ME! I have the perfect family for me, but for God sakes I just want to be alone. I know, its selfish. All was well, but not with me! I should be content. But I am yearning for more..not really from my family at all! But engaging the kids for the purpose of doing worksheets, reading ridiculous kid books and eating around the family table leaves me bored tonight. So I have to push everyone through and fake that this mediocre crap is necessary and even good because, I am Mom. I feel crazy lonely in this busyness. So now I sit alone, guilty of blogging while my family eats the dinner I made..manipulatively! But, I do feel better and I think everyone will survive. Karma sucks, whenever I judge it comes back, like tonight. I am a simple human and kinda pitiful tonight and many other nights.


I fail every time I think Im right!

2 thoughts on “I fail every time I think Im right!

  1. Often times, our internal battles are about trying to resist what simply is. You are a mom, and wife, and you do have some responsibilities to them. It is not always fun. But each moment is a gift. Each little minnion in your charge is a gift. And a chance for you blossom. I too, went through a time when I was resentful, feeling like I was enslaved to my wifely/motherly duties. I had to work on the way I thought about these moments. I had to choose to embrace the moments, because in the not so far off future, they will be gone, and I will be longing for these moments. Life is not meant to be exciting all the time. If it were, you would be just as bored with that!

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