Life goes on..la la la la life goes on.

 

Funny how we get so absorbed in our little way. For me, it’s normal to get consumed in ideas, things, people to the point of obsession. I suppose this stems from childhood. Bla.. I know..boring! But wow these patterns follow us, often subconsciously. Then the traits that kept us safe become unnecessary burdens. I’ve done this dance a few times & I’m dancing again. The current unnecessary dance is obsession. I get so fixated on life’s themes and details that I’m paralyzed in thought & empty longing feeling. I hate acknowledging this annoying female side of me.. Men don’t seem to torture themselves this way. I guess I don’t know if I even share this with  women, because they keep it safely locked up. I am scared to want because then I’m vulnerable to failure, even though I’m not putting anything out there so far…just the thought of embracing dreams & goals.. Selfish…scares the hell out of me.. oldest child trait. I see my own son shrink when it’s incinuated he’s being selfish.. don’t want to pass that on. At all! I want to come to a point where I can write all my flaws here, in public..and not care, because it doesn’t matter! I want to write all my dreams and not be concerned wether people see failure or success. I just want to be so immersed in truth that it matters nothing what others think. I guess that could seem selfish. I just need to get over people and get to the heart of things. I’ve put people ahead of everything my whole life. Always waiting for their response & reaction before deciding what’s right.. Senseless. IThere’s no honesty or vulnerability in that. Its a crutch.Though I Love people its time to grow up a little more.. Baby steps, tiny fricken baby steps!

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4 thoughts on “Life goes on..la la la la life goes on.

  1. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I didn’t tell anyone I had enrolled in Phx of AZ to start my Masters of Psychology for 6+ months for fear that I would bomb out and be embarrassed…I was in my 50s! I shared my enrollment with my closest buds…hubby, kids and one closest friend and the friend was only because they insisted on a non-relative reference! I think sometimes it’s not all bad to keep goals and dreams to yourself. In fact, I think I built more confidence in succeeding on my own and in my own way than if I’d have announced it to the world…

  2. You are embarking on a liberating journey! I’ve got your back. Being first born myself, I was always the people pleaser. Always based my self worth on how many people approved of what I chose to do. Thankfully, I married a man who finally allowed me to feel safe enough to explore all of that, to shed that old constraining skin. My life is by no means perfect, but it the life that has been made for me. And I love it! Most don’t agree with many of the things I do, especially with the way I raise my kids, or the weird relationship I have with my husband. But I don’t care. They are not walking in my life, they are trying to project theirs onto mine. I have a many who loves me, for being me, all my quirks, emotions and all. I have 2 beautiful boys, who know their mother loves them enough to invest 110% in them. The people that truly care about you, aren’t going to shun you if you make a decision that doesn’t please them, or follow what they would do. Let them go! Let it all go! Embrace you!

    • Oh wow. These conversations on here are lighting a fire. I love having a few people who will go back and forth, being vulnerable & honest. Thank you! Thank you! Valuable wisdom I’m going to take to heart. I think this stuck place is going to lead to something good and new. Pruning away at old growth. I hope all that dies this winter.

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