Receiving a spark!

ImageI’m glad for this blog, because I think about 5 people look at it. This is great, because I can say what I want. Today I slowed myself down, partially from sheer exhaustion. When I slow my brain down which isn’t a lot recently, I read! Today I stumbled across a quote from the late Virginia Woolf. “I am rooted, but I flow.”-taken from her book, The Waves. Holy wow!.. that struck a cord. I was speechless because it seemed a women wrote these words for me in 1931. It was that powerful. Then again, I love words! I’ve never seen or read the book, but apparently it follows 5 people through the stages of their lives, from childhood to old age.

Those words really got me, I am rooted, but I flow! I never do these two actions at the same time. Lately, I’ve been flowing but I’m not rooted. For me, this means I am having a lot of fun. Flowing is easy. I also flowed a lot right after high school. I flowed so much that I got myself into predicaments that were very overwhelming. Fun can be a fools gold, when that’s all you’re doing. Currently. I’m flowing to a lesser extent, but still overflowing, nonetheless. I learn from flowing, but I take it to the point of painful and unnecessary lessons. Changing does open new doors.. Last time I HAD to change, I literally created such an impressive mess I had to flee. I packed up and moved to Virginia with one suitcase and a pile of debt. The physical and emotional debt was heavier than my suitcase. I moved in with my aunt and her family that she nannied in VA. Very humbling, but very exciting. At 20 I had hope & help. Then within a couple years I had Luke. Done Flowing…completely.

This is when I rooted for the first time. Shit really got serious for the first time EVER. I got rooted really quick. As much as Im ok with with ruining my life, there was no way in hell I could impose that on another human. Straightened up, completely. I was very rooted for years.. I fully embraced taking on the mother load at 23. When I had him, Mom brain was in full effect. Most beautiful day of my life. I can feel exactly what it felt like then. No words can describe holding your first baby for the first time. Life altering. We must change on a biological level when we have our first baby. So I spent about 11 years being rooted and married and having Jack and Syd. Perfectly motivated, committed, enduring and loving it. I was fat and happy. I had purpose.

Brings me to now, or the past year at least. I lost it. I got bored. I reluctantly endure on auto pilot. I lost that contentment and enthusiasm somewhere along the way. I have been having tons of fun. Flying by the seat of my pants. Not caring about what anyone thinks. & I cant say I just hate it. It feels natural.. but now I’m looking around and saying, Is this all? Yes, it is easier now to make friends & enjoy. Its just easier in general, but I’m not content. I cant be trying to redo my twenties now. Gone! It’s really hard to be rooted and flowing. Rooted gets boring, but its productive and rewarding. Flowing is fun but less rewarding. When I flow I fall apart physically and mentally. When I’m rooted, I’m bored.

My mission is to marry these two ways. Since I read a lot tonight I close with a quote by Terri St. Cloud. “She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was go forward and make the whole beautiful”

I think looking for beauty in life marries being rooted and flowing. It makes me think of a flower.

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