Talked with a friend tonight about troublesome old family dynamics and learned behaviors. The dances we perform that root in childhood. As adults we move on, so we think, but they haunt us. Some situations come up & we find ourselves dealing with them as our child self. Our inner child can nag for answers. I, personally have struggled with this. I like to imagine I’m a completely mature adult & then something takes me back to old ways I thought I left behind.
Being the oldest child, I know we internalize deeply, when perhaps we should ignore. I think, on average females hold onto the naive oldest child role more than males, given gender stereotypes. We were raised to follow suit. Often, we were with only our parents for some time & we learn how to appease them. We become experts of their adult ways. If there’s dysfunction, we carry that on. I speak of oldest girl only because that’s me.
So, when we have situations from childhood that were dysfunctional & unresolved, we carry that on, until we process it. Often, the processing is not straightforward. It lingers..because when processing a toxic family member there’s not always answers, sometimes just survival.
So for me, I removed myself physically in my twenties, but there’s still lingering repercussions. I still play big sister from a messy past. I enable! I look for the best, despite obvious realities. I nurture people who don’t appreciate my efforts. But mostly, I believe everyone is good. This idea haunts me. I hold onto the idea that people are in my corner, even when proven otherwise. This is a ridiculous concept that I believe, despite my natural practicality. I have faith in everyone, ignoring my better judgement.
My point is, I think we can get stuck in childish ways of dealing with present realities. We revert to old ways that aren’t productive. We coddle, or rebel, act perfect, or appease others naturally. But I wonder if we’re reverting in these instances, or are we acting as our past self? What childhood habit do you have to release? I will share mine.
Trust. People can be trustworthy, but I trust to a fault. I learned this from being told to trust people I didn’t trust as a child. I was told to smile always. I was told to live and act what I didn’t agree with inherently. I learned to deny my judgement. I’m unlearning this, but the past holds on tight. I will trust my own judgement.There’s no time for excuses. Now is all we have. We must rise to the occasion as conscious, present adults. Rise above that inner child, unless your upbringing was perfect..otherwise you may struggle too. Share your experience.