Thinking about resilience, determination, hope and grit! These are qualities I routinely forget when I’m under water in life’s obstacles. It’s always been that way. I can remember being a little kid totally overwhelmed with the things I didn’t understand or wasn’t sure how to handle. I’ve always felt like a half empowered person. I want to be strong and determined but life always knocks me back with something new, and I have no idea what to do. I feel like I don’t know how to be smart or wise or intentional in my actions.
Recently, at the advice of a friend I started writing a brief bio. of my life. I honestly thought it was a stupid idea and I didn’t think I would accomplish much at all. An hour a week in therapy would surely be more efficient than writing about my childhood to myself for only myself to see. Well, I loosened up one evening and started writing, because what did I have to lose? I started with my parents meeting and what I had been told about that. I ventured into the youngest years I could remember. I dug up old stories that brought smiles and laughter. I realized that I had a very happy childhood outside of my immediate family. Actually it was great.
One distraction to my childhood was my parents. They had relational issues, which meant they were distracted from us kids. That was actually fine because we could do what we wanted to do as long as we were staying out of serious trouble. Jackpot!… parents distracted with serious adult problems means kids can do whatever they want. It was great. Actually, I recall our entire neighborhood being similar. We were sent out all day in our relatively safe neighborhood to explore the world. We didn’t give a crap what was going on with the adults. We had a life of our own. Then they got divorced and stuff got serious and fun came to an end.
That’s not the point of this though. I mentioned resilience and hope and all that stuff in the first paragraph. As children we were all hopeful..kids do that. They just hope and believe the adults inside drinking coffee and having adult “conversations” have everything under control. Children just trust adults.. Well, I did..while I was climbing trees and building forts. I assumed they knew what they were doing.
As I went further into my silly bio writing I uncovered stuff I didn’t expect. I recalled lots of stories, yes! It was fun. But I also uncovered the stark innocent realizations I had as a child. I remember realizing at a young age that my parents had problems..big problems. I knew as a 6 year old that there was something deeply wrong. I KNEW they were unhappy. That is where my passive cycle began. I knew it was there and true but I had no control. I couldn’t navigate these things logically as a 6 year old. Impossible! So I ignored it and went about the business that I could handle..fort building, tree climbing. But the imprint is there! It’s not understood, but it leaves an imprint, a feeling. A feeling that you don’t have power or control. That carries through.
So now as an adult this bio writing brought me clarity. It gives me answers to why I am negative and sometimes harsh and pessimistic. It’s a symptom. Regardless, I am not under any constraints now. My history is part of me but I want to be aware and conscious of how it forms and influences my current decisions. I don’t want to make subconscious choices based on my history. I dug up lots of old feelings I had buried..I really had no clue they existed. But, Wow!…It’s amazing how the subconscious past affects our present times and our future. If you are up to it.. start your bio.. You may be surprised. I recommend a glass of wine. Thanks Becky! http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/diana_krall/pick_yourself_up.html