History in an old home.

A lovely day. There’s something amazingly rejuvenating about working in the yard all day. Uncovering underground habitats that otherwise go unnoticed as you walk over them. Cursing at invasive weeds. I actually talk to these weeds, comparing them to selfish people, who make it all about themselves. They get their roots into other things business, like sidewalks & steps. Even inviting themselves to take over the plants I wanted. A few plants died because of these weedy invaders. Curse them! Still, despite the unwanted weeds, I created a new rock garden and uncovered a good portion of 2 existing beds.

We moved into this house almost 10 years ago. A widow lived here alone for a good 30 years and she wasn’t a gardener. Her husband, who died 30 years before her took great pride in his yard. He was the town pharmacist. When off work, I’m guessing he meticulously cared for his garden when he wasn’t enjoying his basement man cave. I absolutely love uncovering this stranger’s history in my home & yard. I’ve uncovered the rock outlines of his gardens. I’ve tried to reclaim much of his plans because they’re better than my ideas and there’s something fun about digging up an old neglected work of art left behind years ago.

We’ve lost a few trees. A dogwood and a lilac that won’t totally die..still throwing out a huge patch of shoots that won’t bloom. 

The old man cave is sadly storage now. His laminate bar is now the laundry room…much less fun. But his wife’s piano still sits in the man cave..quiet! Maybe one day it will sing again. I hope so!

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Am I alone here? I get these moments or periods of time with people when I can no longer see anything good about them. I don’t know where it comes from, but everything….!….the way they talk, their responses, their movements, even how they chew their food is so fricken annoying. It’s like an eclipse of a person. They were fine, they were wonderful.. but then suddenly every good quality about said person is nonexistent.

I hate when I put on my shit colored glasses. It solves nothing. But…its seemingly inescapable, a slow personal torcher, until it finally passes. Then when it does pass, I feel like poo for being so judgemental. I wonder what, or if I was thinking.. Emotions are foolish! I’m sorry for focusing on how you chew your food, it won’t matter tomorrow. 

Sometimes life kicks your booty.. might as well learn from it.

Channelling the words of my grandma, Fake it til it’s real! That’s all I got right now. I don’t want to spoil anyone’s good vibes. Actually, I hope to God your in a happy place. Just disregard this. I’m making it through the days and meeting my responsibilities…barely! It’s taking every bit of my being to fake a smile and just get it done. It’s irritating. There’s nothing to attribute this pessimistic drain to. I have no tragedy to blame. The universe is just kicking my butt and making me hide. No amount of sleep is refreshing.  No amount of private time is rejuvenating. I know it will pass, but forces beyond me are dominating my will and kicking my butt. I hope it passes very soon. Hey, one piece of joy..check out Lake Street Drive on YouTube…impossible to not kick back and at least appreciate their awesomeness. I don’t have to fake smile now… bit of joy and hope in my heart while listening.

Life is forcing itself on me

unpredictable

Recently life has been teaching me the lesson, just let it go!….even if I don’t want to. I think the deletion of my Facebook account has officially run its 14 day reconsider phase. Deciding to permanently remove myself from Facebook was not my initial intention. I would occasionally deactivate it for a break, but I would get back on within a week clamoring for an easy connection. Then one day I was struck with insight. I realized that I had turned this distracting entertainment into a compulsive and very important part of life. Anyhow, after 2 weeks, I barely think about it until someone reminds me of my absence… I cringe at the thought of rejoining. Perhaps, one day…minus at least 200 “friends”. 

Another stupid seemingly important loss…my dishwasher! Omgoodness! I thought I was going to die. We’re doing a long term simple kitchen remodel. It makes no sense to replace the dishwasher until other things are completed. Again, I thought I was going to die of pruny hand syndrome. Certainly, it can’t be good to stand at the sink looking into a beautiful back yard while mindlessly washing dishes. Actually, after 2 months of feeling sorry for myself washing dishes for a family of 5, I actually enjoy this time. No one intrudes on dishwashing. It’s not a stimulating activity, unless you’ve been doing it for a while. Then it’s peaceful. 

These examples along with a few more circumstances of “loss”…I won’t bore you!…washing dishes is probably like watching paint dry if you have a dishwasher. Here, life is teaching me a lesson.  Half the crap I care about doesn’t matter after a period of disconnection. We are where we are because we need the lessons of now in our lives. Sometimes we need to step out and connect & other times we need to withdraw & retreat to our personal base self. Sometimes we need to move quickly and just survive with the pace of life.  Then other times, life forces us to stand at the kitchen window, washing dishes, so we can contemplate our life, quietly. Hmm! Alone in peace, I ponder words, writing, music, spirituality, wisdom, gardening. Alone, without influences, the sky is the limit in my solitude. 

Blogging, facebooking, twittering…etc.

Do you ever wonder why you blog? Or why you participate in any social interaction online? I’ve come to believe that we as a group crave more attention than what we have in front of us. Why is that not enough? I recently deleted my FB account….permanently. It’s strange to be so disconnected. I feel like a cast away at times. But, mostly it’s been good. I’ve recently had phone conversations and face to face experiences that I wouldn’t have had with the connected FB experience. The abundance of free time I have is amazing. I’m actually overwhelmed with the amount of free time I have. I wonder if we are numbing ourselves subconsciously. Perhaps we are seeking outwardly, what’s right in front of us…if we could just control ourselves enough to peel away from the screen & look. My experience of disconnecting has forced me to pay attention to those I care for because the distractions are gone. My question to you, what do you get from your connected online experience?

I deleted my Facebook account…when, why?

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Hmm. I’ve become so  disconnected that I have no clue how long I’ve been off Facebook. I tried to blog daily about my experience deleting my Facebook account. Wait, what’s Facebook? Sorry, residual effects of technological ADD. I think it’s been about 10 days, which means my account will be permanently deleted in a few more days. I cannot wait. Be gone! Deleting Facebook has been a huge game changer for me. I use to spend the last hour, or hours…(shame!) of my day trolling the social network for ANYTHING that might add depth to my life. I feel pitiful in the idea of having to search so desperately for connection. I’m liberated in knowing that I don’t need Facebook or texting or even email to stay in touch with those I care about. The people I care about seek me out. These few real friends are far better than entertaining the great social network of acquaintances. I love that my absence from FB has inspired calls and texts saying they miss my presence. These are the people who matter. I ask you, Why do you want to have 300 friends when you already have a few friends who love you. Why entertain the masses instead of making a call to a family member or friend who really cares. Why keep these distractions? No judgement..just curious.

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Day 5 of deleting my Facebook

Today is my 5th day off Facebook. Technically, my account won’t actually delete for two whole weeks. I suppose that is incase I want to reconsider disconnecting from 200 and some “friends”.  Umm, After this week..Not a chance! It’s been amazing! I already admitted I was neurotic about Facebook. I’ve deactivated my account numerous times to take a break, but it was always there waiting…..and calling! Deciding to permanently delete it has put it out of my mind. Sure, I’ve gone on autopilot when I pick up my phone to load up Facebook, only to catch myself and realize it’s not there.

So anyway, about this week being amazing! Free time takes on a whole new meaning without the compulsive need to be connected. I had a day off work this week and I totally wasted it studying world religions online. I gained tons of knowledge. Buddhism was particularly appealing to me. As a Christian I was inspired by the simplicity of Buddhist monks, maybe this is because I have this overwhelming urge to simplify. Check out, Ask a monk, on YouTube… Enlightening…Lol..;) Also the music of the amazing, Lake Street Drive, YouTube. Inspiring. I also rocked my garden with enthusiasm. Seeds, plants, weeding, mulch. I love the disconnection right now. I’ve enjoyed meaningful phone conversations and talking with my husband without looking at my phone…(rude!) I’ve even gone out and forgot my phone.

So basically, I’m gonna get preachy for a second. So many of us are ridiculously distracted.. ADD culture. But it’s our own doing. We can live without Facebook. We can simplify. We can focus on our true goals,  desires & passions. We can disconnect and learn new things and have real interactions with real people that matter.. Rant… done! I’m going to go brag to myself about my gardening..The joy is all mine, because I can’t water it down by posting it and seeing if other people will be interested.

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication..Davinci

Day 2 off Facebook

Day 2 off Facebook.. Feels New! -like Spring. Loving the freedom and independence. I actually like being semi alone. I have time to think my own thoughts. It’s absolutely amazing how much anxiety social media can create. When I’m not obsessed with checking in on social media, I have time to garden, study, clean & be with my family…really be with them. I’m sold on disconnecting. 

Free at last!

So I’ve deleted my Facebook account. Not taking a break, permanently deleted it. I feel free! Well, this is the first day. We’ll see how I feel in a week…But for today, I’m enjoying my new existence. What will I do with my time? Everything I actually wanted to do with my time all along. I can’t wait to see how this loss evolves into new beginnings. “Friends” and “likes” take on a whole new meaning.

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Who is the dictator in our lives?

Do we create our own lives? How much of our lives are spent meeting the demands of “authorities”? From a young age we join systems that tell us that they know what is good for us. Parents, schools, religions and our families set out a map for our success. Our vulnerable innocent minds trust our elders and blindly follow their life prescriptions for our lives. We trust their wisdom.

Now, as an adult I seriously question the wisdom that was so lovingly poured into my innocent mind. I have my own kids now and I seriously question what I am passing on to them from my own life experience. I see their perfect minds and beautiful individuality. I don’t want to corrupt them with old rules and washed up wisdom. I do not want my kids to blindly trust the well trained authorities in place of their own judgment. The authorities are mostly people who have been trained on how to teach kids how to behave so they can fit quietly into the system. This is not a system of drawing an individual out. It is a system of fitting into the blueprint of mass obedience.

Most of us grew up in families with their own code of proper behavior. We were expected to carry the family name obediently and follow the rules of our tribe. Eventually, after the toddler years at home or daycare, the majority of us filed into public schools where we we became a tiny fish in a huge pond.  Little by little our individuality was scraped away. All while we thought we were being good obedient good children. We learned our core curriculum like good little kids. Perhaps we got a gold star or a personal chat with a teacher here and there. We rushed from class to class and learned a lot of stuff that couldn’t possibly be put together to create anything that made sense. Most of us had the same requirements in school and family despite the fact we are unique individuals. We all needed to learn the same way and we had to learn basically the same things. As if a musician needs to focus on the same classes as an engineer. It’s all crazy!

No wonder we flounder around confused and spouting fake wisdom as adults. A lot of us are just passing on the same example we had. Just say what you are told! Go to work, get the job done and then come home and teach your child the same thing. But, do you love your work? Do you think it matters? I honestly hope so. But many of us fill our time being grown students in a system where we have no say in who we want to be as adults. I say get rid of the system and just be who you are and raise children who are thoughtful intelligent beings despite the systems they are in. Don’t give up on what you know to be true.